When Our Children are Traveling the Road of Infertility or Adoption...What is our role? Part 1

Our little miracle grandson!

I am blessed to be able to lead a monthly support group for women who are walking through infertility, adoption, or infant loss.  Having lost a baby of my own, my heart plunges head-on into what these sweet ladies bring to our monthly meetings.  Sadness, anxiety, hope, despair, and yes, even laughter make up this road so many travel.  https://www.sarahs-laughter.com/

A quick research on Google states that in a 2010 study; it was found that at least 1 in 8 couples struggle with some sort of infertility.   Further, a look on the American Adoptions website confirms this about adoption:

 about 10 percent of women in the United States — 6.1 million — have difficulty       getting or staying pregnant. While not all women facing infertility will pursue adoption, a 2002 study by the Centers for Disease Control shows that more than half (57 percent) of women who use infertility services do consider adoption.


So what does this mean for the "would-be" grandparents of children walking this road?  Why is it that we feel hopeless when all we know is to pray? I personally am a mother of four, with two being married.  I have one grandchild, who came along after a struggle with infertility.  So in essence, he was our miracle baby!  I am now watching this same daughter and her husband go through the steps to adopt internationally.  What a walk so far!  So much red tape and so many processes.  I am proud of their persistence.  Their commitment to prayer, seeking God's will and leading, and doing what it takes to achieve their goal strengthens me.  It has caused me to go to my knees in prayer for their journey.  Prayers for God's provision and for that baby who may or may not yet be born that will be ours one day!

My husband and I are very practical people, so hearing of someone who has a need sends us to find a solution.  However, in the case of an adoption or infertility situation, we have to step back; for the problem or situation is not our own, just near to us.   Our children are an extension of ourselves and the saying "what hurts my children hurts me," is very real.  We, as parents of adult children, are concerned and oftentimes worried about the situations our children encounter.  We pray, we try to be there for them, and yet, we often feel as if we could do more.

In searching for a bible study, devotional, or some other piece that addresses the parents' role, I came up empty.  My goal for these next few blogs is to talk about this very real topic that seems untouched.  Would-be grandparents want the best for their children and in that, we can often say or do the wrong thing!  This can be uncharted territory for so many of us.

I have received many comments and suggestions from those going through either infertility or adoption.  The response was staggering!  These "kids" of ours really know what they want and need from their extended families.  So let me use this blog to share the do's and don'ts and a bit of what the word of God says on the matter.

Let me start with His word:

Genesis 2:24 -
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.  NASB

Those of us who have spent much time in the word of God know this verse.  Any time we read about creation, we see this when it speaks of God creating woman from man.  But what does this verse speak to the issue of parents' roles in their children's paths of infertility or adoption?  We know that as parents, we must let our children leave our homes and create their own nuclear families, but yet, when we see trouble, or pain, or uncertainty on their paths, we often want to bring them back in; under our nice, safe, and tidy umbrellas.  We try to fix their problems for them.  The error in that approach is, we may send the message that we don't trust them to make the right decisions,  or trust God for that matter.  And, if done often enough, we can send the message that our way is the best way, and we will always want a say in how our children should live.   This verse in Genesis is a pretty strong reminder that when our children marry, they leave our nests and start their own.  Our role as parents is to be one of support, encouragement, and prayer.  Our prayer life should ramp up when our children become adults.  Getting married ramps it up even further!  During my quiet time with the Lord, I have often thought about how much easier it was to pray for the little things in my kids' lives.  Now, I find that my prayers are big, often overwhelming, and many times full of worry and concern.  I have to consistently lay these burdens at the feet of Jesus and trust Him that He can do all things!  

Step number one - prayer must be the baseline for us as parents.  It may seem as if you are sending darts up to the heavens without any visible results in return, but calling out to Him with your children's journey will reap wonders.  Even behind the scenes.  As my daughter has told me, what they choose to keep to themselves is based on this "leave and cleave" principle found in scripture.  It is their walk and they rely on one another to work through the "stuff" that happens along the way.  And that has to be okay for us.  You never know when your prayers lifted your child at just the right time, or provided an answer to a problem, or, even took YOU down a path of reflecting that you needed to go.   It is not a bad thing to tell God what you are really thinking.  Better to tell Him than to friends or family. Don't spread your children's story out there to everyone you know.  It is not your story to tell, it is theirs.  Be honest and real in your cry out to Him.  Tell Him your fears, worries, and concerns.  It is in that time of speaking to the Lord that He can heal your heart, bring peace to your restless soul, and show you His plan in this process.  One of the prayers I have started is for the mother of the little one we will one day come to love.  I am praying for her health, her well-being, for her ability to give this baby up to the right people, and for this mom to come to know Jesus.  By consistently bathing your children's situation in prayer, you are telling God that you care, you know that He knows, and that you trust Him to work things out according to His plan and in His timing.

So there you have it, step one - prayer.  Nothing fancy, just the most important thing a parent can do for their children going through the infertility and/or adoption journey.

My next entries will address more specific issues of what to say to our children, what to tell others, how to give advice, and even how much we should give financially to their process.   So much can be said on this topic.  And, in going to the scriptures, God has much to say as well.

Until then, pray without ceasing!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.   ESV