Part 2...When Our Children are Traveling the Road of Infertility or Adoption....What our Children CHOOSE to Tell Us
Recently, I was asked by a long time friend of mine about the adoption road my daughter and son-in-law are traveling. Immediately, I felt the urge to share all that was going on, what I was truly feeling, and my thoughts on the matter. Boy, did the contents of this blog hit me right on the head! The conversation was going to be all about what I was thinking or feeling. Not the real facts or what we have been told we can share.
As I wrote in my last post, the infertility or adoption journey that your children may be traveling is their story to tell, not yours! Sure, we can share updates or anything we have permission to share, but laying it all out there is not our job. We are to support, encourage, and pray for our children's situations, but only from the sidelines.
This may strike many as a "standoffish" approach, but in the long run, the journey they are on is their own. We, the would-be grandparents are not the key players. We are the supporting actors. As parents who love their children and want to know what they are doing, this perspective takes some reflection. Wanting to help our children at all times, yet giving them the space they need to navigate the rough road can be tough. We have more experience and insight into life, correct? True, but yet, not true.
Many of the comments I received from those going through infertility or adoption focused on how much is appropriate to tell extended family. Our children are often trying to follow God's plan and leading, yet we, the would-be grandparents, can find ourselves trying to lead them down the path that we think is the right way. Their desire is for us to allow them to take charge of the process and for us to follow. Hard to do right?
One of the women who responded to me about this issue stated that, while she and her husband are going through the season of infertility, they do not have the bandwidth to carry their parents' sadness and pain as well. An infertility diagnosis is very emotional. Once they deliver the message to family, they need support, not someone else to carry along and lift up. THEY need the lifting! End of story. This may sound a little selfish, but it is our children who got the doctor's report, not us. That is when we as parents must take our own pain and emotion to one another and to the Lord for healing. Yes, you can let your children see your pain or sadness, but once that "good cry" is over, it is time for you to become the strong one. You can do it!
Another comment I heard was that we are going to be told only what they want us to know. PERIOD! It is not a matter of trust, but one of privacy. Remember, our children are trying to make sense of something that they did not expect, or, are trying to make decisions about whether or not adoption is for them. We cannot make those choices for them. Further, we cannot "take away" infertility. It is real and they have to find a place for that to rest in their lives BEFORE they explore their options. We cannot pressure them into giving us answers as to what they are going to do next.
By allowing our children to reveal what they want, when they want, we will actually create a more trusting environment for two-way communication. Believe me, it is hard to not ask lots of questions as we try to get it all sorted out in our own minds. If we take their comments as they come, ask loving and caring questions in return, and be full of encouragement and support, then we have done what we are called to do. Taking what they tell us to the Lord and asking for His blessing, leading, or provision is what comes next. We do more for our children by praying over their comments than we do trying to redirect or suggest other actions.
So where does that leave us? Certainly not out in the cold as many would think. We actually are on the inside. Exactly where our children want us to be. Remember, if we are creating a safe, encouraging, and supportive place for them to talk or not to talk, they will know that we can be their refuge if the going gets too tough. Ultimately, our children know we have their best interests at heart, and that allows them the freedom to navigate these issues as a married couple. Knowing that you have parents who will stand beside you and help you when they can, brings peace to their souls.
As I go through scripture, I seem to come back to this verse about what we should "sow" with our children:
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. James 3:17-18
What this speaks to me is, we as parents should seek wisdom that comes from God for what our children are experiencing. Further, we are to show peace, love, consideration, submission, mercy, and, be impartial and sincere. If we sow these things, we will reap a harvest of righteousness. Wow! That is a pretty staggering order. However, our trust in the things of God tells us that we can do all things through Him who strengthens us.
We can feel sadness, pain, or anxiety about what our children tell or don't tell us. But in due time, all things come to pass. We must ask the Lord to deliver us from these feelings, not our children. Knowing more doesn't mean you will not have these emotions. In fact, oftentimes if we know more we are even more prone to worry or concern. If our children can't answer all our questions, or tell us what we want to hear, they may begin to shut us out completely. This is not out of vindictiveness, but out of not having what it takes to please you, the parent! Puts it into perspective, right?
So, as we wind up this post, I would say this: Step two: Allow your children to tell you want they want in their own time. Be interested, encouraging, and supportive.
In my next post, we will talk more about the actual do's and don'ts of what to ask and what to say and what to tell others.
Remember, seek Him first always and He will give you the desires of your heart!
Keep praying.
As I wrote in my last post, the infertility or adoption journey that your children may be traveling is their story to tell, not yours! Sure, we can share updates or anything we have permission to share, but laying it all out there is not our job. We are to support, encourage, and pray for our children's situations, but only from the sidelines.
This may strike many as a "standoffish" approach, but in the long run, the journey they are on is their own. We, the would-be grandparents are not the key players. We are the supporting actors. As parents who love their children and want to know what they are doing, this perspective takes some reflection. Wanting to help our children at all times, yet giving them the space they need to navigate the rough road can be tough. We have more experience and insight into life, correct? True, but yet, not true.
Many of the comments I received from those going through infertility or adoption focused on how much is appropriate to tell extended family. Our children are often trying to follow God's plan and leading, yet we, the would-be grandparents, can find ourselves trying to lead them down the path that we think is the right way. Their desire is for us to allow them to take charge of the process and for us to follow. Hard to do right?
One of the women who responded to me about this issue stated that, while she and her husband are going through the season of infertility, they do not have the bandwidth to carry their parents' sadness and pain as well. An infertility diagnosis is very emotional. Once they deliver the message to family, they need support, not someone else to carry along and lift up. THEY need the lifting! End of story. This may sound a little selfish, but it is our children who got the doctor's report, not us. That is when we as parents must take our own pain and emotion to one another and to the Lord for healing. Yes, you can let your children see your pain or sadness, but once that "good cry" is over, it is time for you to become the strong one. You can do it!
Another comment I heard was that we are going to be told only what they want us to know. PERIOD! It is not a matter of trust, but one of privacy. Remember, our children are trying to make sense of something that they did not expect, or, are trying to make decisions about whether or not adoption is for them. We cannot make those choices for them. Further, we cannot "take away" infertility. It is real and they have to find a place for that to rest in their lives BEFORE they explore their options. We cannot pressure them into giving us answers as to what they are going to do next.
By allowing our children to reveal what they want, when they want, we will actually create a more trusting environment for two-way communication. Believe me, it is hard to not ask lots of questions as we try to get it all sorted out in our own minds. If we take their comments as they come, ask loving and caring questions in return, and be full of encouragement and support, then we have done what we are called to do. Taking what they tell us to the Lord and asking for His blessing, leading, or provision is what comes next. We do more for our children by praying over their comments than we do trying to redirect or suggest other actions.
So where does that leave us? Certainly not out in the cold as many would think. We actually are on the inside. Exactly where our children want us to be. Remember, if we are creating a safe, encouraging, and supportive place for them to talk or not to talk, they will know that we can be their refuge if the going gets too tough. Ultimately, our children know we have their best interests at heart, and that allows them the freedom to navigate these issues as a married couple. Knowing that you have parents who will stand beside you and help you when they can, brings peace to their souls.
As I go through scripture, I seem to come back to this verse about what we should "sow" with our children:
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. James 3:17-18
What this speaks to me is, we as parents should seek wisdom that comes from God for what our children are experiencing. Further, we are to show peace, love, consideration, submission, mercy, and, be impartial and sincere. If we sow these things, we will reap a harvest of righteousness. Wow! That is a pretty staggering order. However, our trust in the things of God tells us that we can do all things through Him who strengthens us.
We can feel sadness, pain, or anxiety about what our children tell or don't tell us. But in due time, all things come to pass. We must ask the Lord to deliver us from these feelings, not our children. Knowing more doesn't mean you will not have these emotions. In fact, oftentimes if we know more we are even more prone to worry or concern. If our children can't answer all our questions, or tell us what we want to hear, they may begin to shut us out completely. This is not out of vindictiveness, but out of not having what it takes to please you, the parent! Puts it into perspective, right?
So, as we wind up this post, I would say this: Step two: Allow your children to tell you want they want in their own time. Be interested, encouraging, and supportive.
In my next post, we will talk more about the actual do's and don'ts of what to ask and what to say and what to tell others.
Remember, seek Him first always and He will give you the desires of your heart!
Keep praying.
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