Part 4 .....What Should Your Financial Commitment be to Your Children Walking Through Infertility or Adoption?
Wow! This is a biggie! As would-be grandparents watching one of our children go through the processes and expenses of an overseas adoption, we are floored as to the level of financial commitment that is required of them. Their persistence, ingenuity, and patience to make this happen is to be commended.
I was honestly afraid to ask this child how much all of this would cost. So, as any good mother of multiple children, I went directly to her older sister. After all, don't sisters tell each other everything?
She shared with me the statistics, and data given her. I must say, I was blown away by the amount of money an endeavor such as adoption will cost. Further, in speaking with some going through infertility treatments, the cost again is staggering!
Several parents have mentioned to me that they hate seeing their children spend so much of their money on either of these paths. After all, most young couples are at the start of their careers, and having to outlay a large sum for medical expenses and/or adoption, can seriously bite into savings.
So, what are us parents supposed to do? Many have the means to help. Others would consider borrowing from their savings, 401k, retirement accounts, or even take out a loan against their home equities. Many just can't seem to find the means to provide assistance. And then others just don't feel the call to assist their children with these expenditures. What is the answer? To what extent should the "loan" or "gift" be? And that brings up another point; is it a loan or is it a gift? I have heard a christian financial expert state that, "if you loan money to a family member, you better assume it is a gift."
Once we were informed that international adoption was a serious option for our daughter, we began to pray. We also began to discuss what would we do financially to help them with these high costs.
As parents of four children, we knew that anything we did could set a precedence for future financial needs with the others. Did we want to "go there?" Also, we are nearing retirement age, so could we in fact "make up" the monies we would be giving to them? Would the amount we give really affect our long term savings goals?
I did some online research into what parents do financially for their children struggling with infertility costs and/or adoption. Most articles I found said there is no hard and fast rule, it really is up to the individual situation. However, in my research, I did catch a few people stating that giving or not giving of money could cause relationship issues. I had never thought of that angle. Some young people said they "expected" their parents to help and were extremely disappointed when they did not receive anything or just a meager contribution. Further, many stated that when they received financial assistance, the parents began to dictate the details of how it was to be used. Which agency, treatment, or solution was put upon them by the parents. Some said that their parents said no, and then turned around and took a vacation of a lifetime that very year! That hurt some young couples as they somehow felt cheated.
Should parents feel guilty if they don't give generously? I don't think so. I think honesty is best. Don't ignore the discussion. If you can't or won't give, tell your children in advance. Don't make it a stressful conversation, just say that this is what you feel led to do. Offer to help with fundraisers, scholarships or grants. Maybe a gift of time is what will work best. Arline mileage, hotel points, or other such offers may be great for those going through adoptions. As for infertility treatments, the norm is that most insurance policies do not cover these. That being said, what can you do for your children? Help pay for those costs? Offer to do something special for them as a couple? Find ways to assist them with current living expenses so as to help free up their budgets a bit? If there are already other children, maybe an offer to help with childcare during this time?
If you choose to say no for no other reason than you don't feel "led" to do so, that does bring some issues that may need addressing. How do you maintain a healthy relationship when your kids think you have the money but won't give? After speaking to several young couples about this, they really do understand that this is "their" path and no one should have to feel compelled to help with their situations. However, given that this time can be somewhat stressful, many are not thinking objectively about what is really going on. In light of possible "hurt" feelings down the road, it is not imperative that parents go out of their way or stress their finances just to ensure their children know they care. As I presented earlier, there are other ways. Our children just want to know that we care about their situations, are bathing them in prayer and are willing to assist them in practical ways if need be. That does not have a price tag on it. PERIOD!
So, where does that leave us parents in the money decision making process? Still seeking. Still praying for God's leading. And keeping the lines of communication open with our children. As I mentioned in my very first blog on this issue, it is "their" path and their situation. Part of the maturing process is to find out what God would have them to do and seek His will on how to proceed. Expecting parents to bail them out or smooth the path for them leads to becoming dependent as opposed to independent. The same holds true for finances. Our children want to make the decisions in this journey and taking on the responsibility for costs is part of that process. Our "help" is out of our desire to give. Not out of compulsion or unrealistic expectations.
This verse has helped us as we decided on what we would do for our own children going down this road of adoption:
James 1:5 New International Version (NIV)
Keep praying, keep encouraging, and keep asking for the Lord's leading!
I was honestly afraid to ask this child how much all of this would cost. So, as any good mother of multiple children, I went directly to her older sister. After all, don't sisters tell each other everything?
She shared with me the statistics, and data given her. I must say, I was blown away by the amount of money an endeavor such as adoption will cost. Further, in speaking with some going through infertility treatments, the cost again is staggering!
Several parents have mentioned to me that they hate seeing their children spend so much of their money on either of these paths. After all, most young couples are at the start of their careers, and having to outlay a large sum for medical expenses and/or adoption, can seriously bite into savings.
So, what are us parents supposed to do? Many have the means to help. Others would consider borrowing from their savings, 401k, retirement accounts, or even take out a loan against their home equities. Many just can't seem to find the means to provide assistance. And then others just don't feel the call to assist their children with these expenditures. What is the answer? To what extent should the "loan" or "gift" be? And that brings up another point; is it a loan or is it a gift? I have heard a christian financial expert state that, "if you loan money to a family member, you better assume it is a gift."
Once we were informed that international adoption was a serious option for our daughter, we began to pray. We also began to discuss what would we do financially to help them with these high costs.
As parents of four children, we knew that anything we did could set a precedence for future financial needs with the others. Did we want to "go there?" Also, we are nearing retirement age, so could we in fact "make up" the monies we would be giving to them? Would the amount we give really affect our long term savings goals?
I did some online research into what parents do financially for their children struggling with infertility costs and/or adoption. Most articles I found said there is no hard and fast rule, it really is up to the individual situation. However, in my research, I did catch a few people stating that giving or not giving of money could cause relationship issues. I had never thought of that angle. Some young people said they "expected" their parents to help and were extremely disappointed when they did not receive anything or just a meager contribution. Further, many stated that when they received financial assistance, the parents began to dictate the details of how it was to be used. Which agency, treatment, or solution was put upon them by the parents. Some said that their parents said no, and then turned around and took a vacation of a lifetime that very year! That hurt some young couples as they somehow felt cheated.
Should parents feel guilty if they don't give generously? I don't think so. I think honesty is best. Don't ignore the discussion. If you can't or won't give, tell your children in advance. Don't make it a stressful conversation, just say that this is what you feel led to do. Offer to help with fundraisers, scholarships or grants. Maybe a gift of time is what will work best. Arline mileage, hotel points, or other such offers may be great for those going through adoptions. As for infertility treatments, the norm is that most insurance policies do not cover these. That being said, what can you do for your children? Help pay for those costs? Offer to do something special for them as a couple? Find ways to assist them with current living expenses so as to help free up their budgets a bit? If there are already other children, maybe an offer to help with childcare during this time?
If you choose to say no for no other reason than you don't feel "led" to do so, that does bring some issues that may need addressing. How do you maintain a healthy relationship when your kids think you have the money but won't give? After speaking to several young couples about this, they really do understand that this is "their" path and no one should have to feel compelled to help with their situations. However, given that this time can be somewhat stressful, many are not thinking objectively about what is really going on. In light of possible "hurt" feelings down the road, it is not imperative that parents go out of their way or stress their finances just to ensure their children know they care. As I presented earlier, there are other ways. Our children just want to know that we care about their situations, are bathing them in prayer and are willing to assist them in practical ways if need be. That does not have a price tag on it. PERIOD!
So, where does that leave us parents in the money decision making process? Still seeking. Still praying for God's leading. And keeping the lines of communication open with our children. As I mentioned in my very first blog on this issue, it is "their" path and their situation. Part of the maturing process is to find out what God would have them to do and seek His will on how to proceed. Expecting parents to bail them out or smooth the path for them leads to becoming dependent as opposed to independent. The same holds true for finances. Our children want to make the decisions in this journey and taking on the responsibility for costs is part of that process. Our "help" is out of our desire to give. Not out of compulsion or unrealistic expectations.
This verse has helped us as we decided on what we would do for our own children going down this road of adoption:
James 1:5 New International Version (NIV)
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
Keep praying, keep encouraging, and keep asking for the Lord's leading!
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