Part 3 ..... The Do's and Don'ts when Our Children are Traveling the Road of Infertility or Adoption
Who doesn't like a to do list, or a top 10 things to remember list? For the free spirited soul, this would probably not be your favorite thing. But for me, the type A, get it done gal, I love lists! I don't always follow them, or accomplish all that they suggest, but I cherish well thought out plans of action.
How does this parlay into what we should and should not say to our children as they go down their road of infertility and/or adoption? Do you ever wish you had a "how to" manual on how to say and do the right thing? In ALL circumstances? We do have that manual; it's called the Bible. But with so many chapters, verses, stories, and complicated passages, how can you know what is for you in this particular instance? A list such as this requires lots of input, prayer, and practicality. So, in an effort to help things along, here we go:
1. At the first conversation about their situation, listen more, talk less.
Our role is to be compassionate and caring listeners. They will be telling us a lot of things that
we may be hearing for the first time and it may come out in a smooth manner or in jumbled facts
and emotions. Just listen. Ask some gentle questions to help the conversation, but don't start
peppering them for more. Take what they give and act lovingly as they share. Remember, God
gave us two ears and only one mouth.
2. Do not offer unsolicited advice or suggestions as to how to "fix" their issues.
Many who suggested what to write in this blog stated that they do not need their parents to be their
"google." Further, they don't need a to do list with frequent updates and inquiries. As I mentioned
in a previous post, they want to lead the process.
3. Ask them what can be shared and with whom.
As much as we will want to run to our own support circle, we need to step back and let our
children tell us what we can and cannot share. Talking about one's infertility, medical appoint-
ments, and decision making processes is rather personal. Our children should not feel that their
story is out there with everyone watching what they are doing. And, often times, by spreading
the news, we are creating even more "input" that you will feel you must share with your child.
Keep to yourself what you are told. Take it to God in prayer. If you are told you can share a
certain aspect of their journey, please choose wisely whom you will share this information. Do
NOT share on social media. This is not that type of news!
4. Do not tell them what YOU want them to do. Remember, this is their journey, not yours.
This is where the "if it were me..." statements need to stay out of your conversations. It is NOT
you, and what may seem as a simple solution, is not what they are looking for. Our children want
our support, not a list of what you would do if you were them.
5. It is okay to "Check In" with them from time to time, but don't make it the sole focus of your conversations.
Be sensitive to what they are comfortable in sharing. Sometimes they may be so overwhelmed
in their search for answers, that all they want to do is relax. Offer that environment. Ask them
if it's okay to talk about it at that particular time. And, if they say no, be okay with that answer.
6. Never, ever compare them to another sibling, friend, or acquaintance.
Their situation is their own. It needs to be treated as such. It can be so tempting to tell them what
your friend or relative's child did, and how they should try this or that. The medical and adoption
community has so much information out there that your child will come to their own path.
7. Do send notes, texts, cards that just say you love them and are praying for them.
A gift card for a massage, pedicure or restaurant can do wonders to show you care. Discover
what their love languages are and seek to communicate in that manner.
8. Offer words of encouragement, but do not sugar coat the situation.
Your kids know the real story and they don't need to hear you simplify it or downplay what they are experiencing. Many have told me that their parents try to minimize the issue, or cover up the
problem.
9. Do not go to the other spouse with your questions.
Keep your communications to your child or the two of them together. Do not try to get more information from the other partner. Your own child should be your "go to" for these types of conversations. Respect any boundaries they may have in place.
10. Do not ask questions that may be personal or sensitive.
This is their story to tell and if they wish to keep certain aspects of their journey private, then we must respect that. It is bad enough that they have to continually talk about private areas of their
lives with medical personnel. Please don't make them have to air these things to you if they wish
to keep the details to themselves.
11. Do ask them what they would like for your role to be.
Continue to ask this question as they venture on their journey. At first communication, they may not really know where they are headed. Be open to ways in which your purpose or role may change.
12. Be in consistent prayer for any financial commitment you are to make towards their efforts on this journey.
As would-be grandparents, we may have a tendency to feel pressured into contributing towards
the high cost of infertility treatments and/or adoption. Let the Holy Spirit guide you in this. In
my last blog I will discuss this issue in depth. It is a huge but practical aspect of walking along
with our children down this road.
So there you have it. Twelve things to do or not do as we watch our children navigate the road of infertility and/or adoption. Have I practiced all of them during my own daughter's journey through
adoption? Not quite. But this list reminds me to put in to perspective the situation and take it to the Lord in prayer. He alone can guide us, help us to say and do the right things, and ultimately grow the bonds we have with our adult children.
Being the parent of children who are experiencing these issues is tough. Watching them seek information, answers and solutions is hard. Especially as for many of us, this is could be their first rough road we have seen them walk. In the case of adoption, we have so many questions! The who, what, when, where, why and how questions. So many details we may never be privy to as we stand on the sidelines and play cheerleader. But what we do know is, God is in control of the entire journey. We must allow Him to complete His work in His way and in His timing.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
How does this parlay into what we should and should not say to our children as they go down their road of infertility and/or adoption? Do you ever wish you had a "how to" manual on how to say and do the right thing? In ALL circumstances? We do have that manual; it's called the Bible. But with so many chapters, verses, stories, and complicated passages, how can you know what is for you in this particular instance? A list such as this requires lots of input, prayer, and practicality. So, in an effort to help things along, here we go:
1. At the first conversation about their situation, listen more, talk less.
Our role is to be compassionate and caring listeners. They will be telling us a lot of things that
we may be hearing for the first time and it may come out in a smooth manner or in jumbled facts
and emotions. Just listen. Ask some gentle questions to help the conversation, but don't start
peppering them for more. Take what they give and act lovingly as they share. Remember, God
gave us two ears and only one mouth.
2. Do not offer unsolicited advice or suggestions as to how to "fix" their issues.
Many who suggested what to write in this blog stated that they do not need their parents to be their
"google." Further, they don't need a to do list with frequent updates and inquiries. As I mentioned
in a previous post, they want to lead the process.
3. Ask them what can be shared and with whom.
As much as we will want to run to our own support circle, we need to step back and let our
children tell us what we can and cannot share. Talking about one's infertility, medical appoint-
ments, and decision making processes is rather personal. Our children should not feel that their
story is out there with everyone watching what they are doing. And, often times, by spreading
the news, we are creating even more "input" that you will feel you must share with your child.
Keep to yourself what you are told. Take it to God in prayer. If you are told you can share a
certain aspect of their journey, please choose wisely whom you will share this information. Do
NOT share on social media. This is not that type of news!
4. Do not tell them what YOU want them to do. Remember, this is their journey, not yours.
This is where the "if it were me..." statements need to stay out of your conversations. It is NOT
you, and what may seem as a simple solution, is not what they are looking for. Our children want
our support, not a list of what you would do if you were them.
5. It is okay to "Check In" with them from time to time, but don't make it the sole focus of your conversations.
Be sensitive to what they are comfortable in sharing. Sometimes they may be so overwhelmed
in their search for answers, that all they want to do is relax. Offer that environment. Ask them
if it's okay to talk about it at that particular time. And, if they say no, be okay with that answer.
6. Never, ever compare them to another sibling, friend, or acquaintance.
Their situation is their own. It needs to be treated as such. It can be so tempting to tell them what
your friend or relative's child did, and how they should try this or that. The medical and adoption
community has so much information out there that your child will come to their own path.
7. Do send notes, texts, cards that just say you love them and are praying for them.
A gift card for a massage, pedicure or restaurant can do wonders to show you care. Discover
what their love languages are and seek to communicate in that manner.
8. Offer words of encouragement, but do not sugar coat the situation.
Your kids know the real story and they don't need to hear you simplify it or downplay what they are experiencing. Many have told me that their parents try to minimize the issue, or cover up the
problem.
9. Do not go to the other spouse with your questions.
Keep your communications to your child or the two of them together. Do not try to get more information from the other partner. Your own child should be your "go to" for these types of conversations. Respect any boundaries they may have in place.
10. Do not ask questions that may be personal or sensitive.
This is their story to tell and if they wish to keep certain aspects of their journey private, then we must respect that. It is bad enough that they have to continually talk about private areas of their
lives with medical personnel. Please don't make them have to air these things to you if they wish
to keep the details to themselves.
11. Do ask them what they would like for your role to be.
Continue to ask this question as they venture on their journey. At first communication, they may not really know where they are headed. Be open to ways in which your purpose or role may change.
12. Be in consistent prayer for any financial commitment you are to make towards their efforts on this journey.
As would-be grandparents, we may have a tendency to feel pressured into contributing towards
the high cost of infertility treatments and/or adoption. Let the Holy Spirit guide you in this. In
my last blog I will discuss this issue in depth. It is a huge but practical aspect of walking along
with our children down this road.
So there you have it. Twelve things to do or not do as we watch our children navigate the road of infertility and/or adoption. Have I practiced all of them during my own daughter's journey through
adoption? Not quite. But this list reminds me to put in to perspective the situation and take it to the Lord in prayer. He alone can guide us, help us to say and do the right things, and ultimately grow the bonds we have with our adult children.
Being the parent of children who are experiencing these issues is tough. Watching them seek information, answers and solutions is hard. Especially as for many of us, this is could be their first rough road we have seen them walk. In the case of adoption, we have so many questions! The who, what, when, where, why and how questions. So many details we may never be privy to as we stand on the sidelines and play cheerleader. But what we do know is, God is in control of the entire journey. We must allow Him to complete His work in His way and in His timing.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
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